Shining a Light on Smelly Stuff By Harry Nozicka
A few evenings ago, Steve came prancing across our yard as he often does in the early evening. We don’t really mind and it’s always amusing to witness his cute rituals as he seems to pay little attention to us watching him. Steve is a beautiful skunk that comes to find food that, much to my discouragement, my family puts out there daily, mainly nuts for the squirrels but Steve seems to like the leftovers. This particular evening, Steve triggered a spotlight I installed on the back of our gazebo that is motion sensitive and lights up a very dark place in the yard. I was delighted that the thing worked and found it even more amusing that this bushy haired potentially smelly creature that low to the ground, could activate it.
It got me thinking about shining light on the parts of ourselves that we often consciously or otherwise, wish to keep in the dark, like the smelly places.
In Buddhism we talk a lot about looking at the places inside and outside, that we do not really want to see. We all have those places, whether it is fear, loneliness, sadness, loss, desires, regrets, hatred, troubling thoughts, looking at a homeless person, poverty in the world, illness, death, etc. Hard as we may try to avoid getting in touch, life has a way of exposing us to the light. In Buddhism we speak of “embracing” places of pain or suffering, which initially to most people, doesn’t sound very appealing. However, truth be told, we are wired to avoid discomfort.
In Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) we help clients recognize the ineffectiveness and cost factors as a result of trying to avoid discomfort. We direct client’s attention to how the strategies they are using are not only adding to their distress but are also keeping them from living a life in alignment with their higher values. It is like being in quick and fighting against being pulled under only to find that the more one struggles the more stuck they become. Another example is driving a car on ice. When it starts to skid, the intuitive response is to turn the wheels opposite the skidding direction. This results in losing even more control of the car. The counter intuitive solution is to do what initially seems crazy, that is, turning the wheel TOWARDS the direction of the skidding so that once we go along with the skid we can then direct things where we want the car to go.
So, what am I saying is, if we learn the skills of staying present to the discomfort we are avoiding, (leaning into the skid) and bringing into the open, we are in a much better position to make choices, to grow as people, to move more and more towards a value driven life versus an avoidant driven life.
Steve is a wonderful metaphor. Not only is he, like us, carrying the smelly stuff, but he is also very beautiful with his fluffy body and beautifully rich black and white coloring. In mindfulness based psychotherapy, we work with what we call “experiential avoidant” behavior. That simply means helping people hold an internal space to be present to what their intuition says run away from, again a strategy that usually does not work.
Here’s an example; let’s say a person has social anxiety, meaning they want to go to events with groups of people but when they do, they are flooded with thoughts that others a looking at them and judging them, or they might turn red with embarrassment, or they get so frozen they cannot put two words together to form a sentence which makes them even more self conscious. They might suffer feeling lonely, wondering what’s wrong with them, miss out on fun and interesting opportunities, limit themselves at work because they can’t network, or have to rely on drugs or medication to get them through, and a whole host of other costly strategies of avoidance. Ultimately they might just withdraw and give up trying to fit in and just live a very isolated life. So, if the person comes in and says I want to change this, they have to learn to do guess what………? turn TOWARDS the discomfort!!
If we are going to live a value driven life, we are going to have to lean into what we are avoiding as any change big enough always requires facing discomfort.
It’s not an issue of whether we want to or not, it’s a question of how we want to live and, are our strategies working to move us closer to alignment with our highest values or, further away. I love when I ask clients the question “ If you thought experiencing discomfort would get you closer to your goals, would you be willing to face the discomfort”? The answer is usually YES! Because it’s not just about experiencing discomfort, it’s about living the life we want and making choices. If you buy a car that you really like driving, you still have to make the payments which we are more willing to do because we get the enjoyment of the ride.
There are many ways to develop this skill, which will be the topic of future articles. The closer we live in alignment with our highest values, the more satisfaction we feel in life. That does not mean we are always happy, since happiness comes and goes.
What it does mean is we learn to view discomfort as an opportunity to have rich and alive life experience, knowing that whatever happens we can deal with it productively.
So, thanks to Steve for being yet another reminder to practice looking at the stinky parts and finding that we can transform ourselves by dealing with them directly. Oh, by the way, what could you do if stuck in quicksand? Stop moving, acknowledge what’s happening (counter intuitive as the survival instinct is to struggle against inactivity), and perhaps discover other alternatives to frantic thrashing and panic, like maybe trying to spread out on top of the quicksand or, seeing a branch that was not noticed as a resource when in a fight or flight state.